Grieving the loss of my dad

Grief feels like this

Since my dad passed away on Nov 24th, my life has felt a lot like this air creature. Sometimes standing upright, looking normal for a few seconds, then bent over and upside down, in agony the next. I guess that’s how grieving a parent feels. I’ve grieved grandparents, an aunt, close friend, pets, but this is so much different. It’s pangs of regret for all the things my dad didn’t get to do, and then it doesn’t seem real. Like he’s just been at work and will be home later. It’s quite strange. Everything feels frozen in time.

I Spent a Week in a Mental Hospital

On Tuesday night, October 22, 2019, I attempted suicide. I spent 1 full week in the hospital. Mental illness and suicide runs in my family so I’ve known since I was a small child that I was never meant to stay here. I’ve had a couple of brief isolated happy times in my 39 years of life, but honestly, the majority has been pretty miserable.

My dad is dying with stage 4 lung cancer and we have to take him to the restroom and care for him 100% My mom gets frustrated with being a caregiver to us both. After she stormed to her bedroom for the evening on Tuesday night, I decided I no longer wanted to be one more person she’d have to help.

I went into my room, poured a handful of pills into my hand, swallowed them all easily with some bottled water and regretted it a tiny bit, but didn’t do anything else. I put on some pants and a flannel shirt and was going to go downstairs and sit in my car and wait. Evidently within 7-10 minutes I fell down in my bedroom floor. I don’t remember anything.

I woke up out of it Wednesday, while being rolled to a bigger hospital room. I was under constant physical surveillance. In other words someone stayed in my room 24/7 and even had to watch me.go to the bathroom.

Then I was transferred by police, in handcuffs, to the mental hospital.

It was hell on earth. Except the food was really good and they fed us constantly!!!! They take all your possessions away when you arrive. No cellphone, no dental floss, art supplies, clothes with strings, everything. Any clothes a family member brings is thoroughly searched before you can get them. Nothing to do all day long but color pictures, play card games, or board games.

Every hour felt like 3. I couldn’t believe I was stuck there for the next 5 days. They check your room every 15 minutes at night and wake you up at 5 am for vitals check. Then they come back at 7am for early meds, and at 7:45 am they wake you up for breakfast. It’s not like the movies where they keep every one drugged.

I got my regular meds. Nothing more, nothing less. Words cannot express how much I wanted to come home. It felt like torture. I learned a lot though. I learned that every one there has it 10 times worse than me. Many of them were addicts, alcoholics, going to be homeless when they were released, had been sexually abused, and had nothing.

It made me realize that I have it so good, and I need to start living my life again. I know I won’t live forever, but the book that is my life, has a few more chapters to go.

Can't fall asleep? Try these!

Mind racing, hot then cold then hot again. We’ve all been there at one time or another. Some of us are always struggling every night to get to sleep. I usually don’t have any trouble staying asleep once I fall asleep, but the falling asleep can be the issue. People roll their eyes at the classic “close your eyes and count sheep” advice.
But have you actually really ever tried it?
Not actually visualizing fluffy, white sheep but just counting. Start at 1 and just keep counting until you fall asleep. If you can count 1 count with every breath, then that is probably most relaxing, but if not, just close your eyes and count at whatever pace is comfortable. Sometimes I am asleep by 100, sometimes I’ve gotten up to the 600’s and am still awake. The point of the counting is it prevents your mind from racing or thinking of anything else while trying to slip off to dreamland.
Now sometimes, for me, counting isn’t enough. Occasionally, my eyelids will just not stay closed. That probably sounds weird, but then again, maybe it doesn’t’.
For most nights now, I picked up one of those sleep masks. Mine is an Alaska Bear silk mask in black that I picked up from They come in different patterns like polka dots, do not disturb, and starry night.

Sleep mask
$9.99 at

click pic to order from

A mask is really great because it forces my eyes to stay shut when they don’t want to. Once I can get my eyeballs to stay closed, then I start counting starting at 1. This usually works wonders for me.
Other good sleep habits are:

  • Keep room as dark as possible or wear a sleep mask
  • Put away all phones, tablets, e-readers, computers, turn off tv’s 30 minutes ahead to prepare mind for sleep
  • Try not to eat or drink too close to bedtime.

Happy sleeping!
If you are still having trouble sleeping, falling and staying asleep, certainly speak with your healthcare provider for a thorough check up.

But I just can't take a shower!

When people think of depression, people usually picture someone laying in bed, sleeping too much, too little, not eating, or socializing. But what people don’t know if that their personal hygiene can suffer as well.
I know, because this has been a major struggle of mine since I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder in 2006. It didn’t help that I was also working full time during the day and taking college courses at night so my days could be as long as 16 hours, 4 days out of the week. My hygiene and diet were the first to suffer.
I would go an entire week without showering. This was especially noticeable because my hair is extremely fine, and oily. After the second day without a wash, I could bake biscuits with the oil on my scalp. My solution – tying it up in a tight bun.
I would also come after college classes at 11pm at night, eat a snickers bar for dinner and then go to bed without brushing my teeth. Boy that was a huge mistake that I paid very dearly for to the tune of multiple cavities in a short time and then years after leading to 2 root canals. Ouch. BRUSH YOUR TEETH KIDS!!!!
As more years passed, I just couldn’t force myself to shower more than once a week or at most every 4 days. I was married at the time and prone to chronic urinary tract infections which in turn lead to damage to my bladder wall in the form of interstitial cystitis. IC, as it’s abbreviated to, is the irritation of the bladder wall that when it is irritated can make you have all the symptoms of a UTI, pain, burning, frequency, drops of acidic pee coming out, but when you go to the doctor and pee in a cup, you have zero infection present. No cure, just cut back on acidic drinks and caffeine.
So along with dealing with severe mental illness, dealing with horrible cavities, dentist visits and being in constant bladder plain was the icing on the hygiene challenged cake.
So people that knew my struggles would just say, “Just take a shower and brush your teeth”. They wouldn’t understand when I said, “That’s easier said than done”.
As the years passed, I graduated college, got a job in my field, got divorced, lost my job of 10 years and the poor hygiene monster reared it’s ugly, smelly head. It had never really gotten much better but then it went to only showering once a month. I was pretty decent on brushing my teeth because dentistry is expensive and painful. Since I no longer had health insurance all teeth and body expenses were on me. Good ol USA!
After losing my job, my marriage, and everything I had worked my whole life for, my bipolar kicked up so bad that I could no longer work a job. I couldn’t get out of bed and wanted to commit suicide every day I had to go to work. Showers are not high on my priority list still, unfortunately. The longest I’ve gone is a month and a half without a shower. I just took one last night and scrubbed every nook and crannie of my body, degreased my hair and VOILA! I felt fantanstic. I really dont know why I don’t do it more often. Oh wait, mental illness, I remember now.
Adult cleansing cloths have gotten my through times when I’ve needed to go out and couldn’t bring myself to shower but I will clean myself up thoroughly with those and reapply my deodorant. No matter how long I go in between showering, I will NEVER smell. That is important to me. I can be the greasy girl, but never the greasy, SMELLY girl.

I love these!!!!
So whenver I see or hear someone talking about the oh so trendy “SELF CARE” thing that has become so popular, I roll my eyes, HARD. Women talking about doing their “self care” as taking a bubble bath, making time for reading, taking a walk, eating chocolate, or doing a face mask. To ME, “self care” is eating regular meals, trying to drink enough water so that you don’t have to be hospitalized for dehydration, taking a shower once a month to clean the bacteria off my skin, tending to any cuts or skin sores that might have arisen, or just brushing my teeth and surviving day to day.
No, I’m not bitter to healthier people who just need a bubble bath, but just remember there are always others out there struggling more than you, who are just trying to stay alive.

Emergency Medical Services—911

If the situation is potentially life-threatening, get immediate emergency assistance by calling 911, available 24 hours a day.

National Suicide Prevention hotline 24 hours a day, 7 days a week 1-800-273-8255
Or visit

Nacional de Prevención del Suicidio


Options For Deaf + Hard of Hearing

Veterans Crisis Line

1-800-273-8255 Or Text 838255

Disaster Distress Helpline

1-800-985-5990 or Text TalkWithUs to 66746
If you are outside the United States, click here to Find Help in your area!!

I’m still alive….

I am still living.
Today was very hard. My dad did not get a good prognosis from his cancer doctor. Just a few months ago he was doing so much better and now they’re suggesting possible hospice care. My mom has had a small heart attack recently and she doesn’t want any tests or treatment. 🌱
I feel like I’m going to lose both my parents. I am bipolar and have difficulty handling every day normal emotions, I really don’t feel like I can handle watching my parents get worse. So there’s that. .

Emergency Medical Services—911

If the situation is potentially life-threatening, get immediate emergency assistance by calling 911, available 24 hours a day.

National Suicide Prevention hotline 24 hours a day, 7 days a week 1-800-273-8255
Or visit

Nacional de Prevención del Suicidio


Options For Deaf + Hard of Hearing

Veterans Crisis Line

1-800-273-8255 Or Text 838255


Disaster Distress Helpline

1-800-985-5990 or Text TalkWithUs to 66746
If you are outside the United States, click here to Find Help in your area!!

Missing Dolores O'Riordan on the one year anniversary of her tragic passing.

The last photo she posted before she passed away. Posted to Twitter on January 3, 2018

It’s been exactly one year since Dolores O’Riordan of The Cranberries passing, 1-15-2018 and I still feel pain in my heart when I remember her. I can’t listen to her music because it just hurts too much. It depresses me.

With her iconic bleached pixie cut

I wish things could have been different. I wish for her family, friends, and fans that she was still here. That is selfish of me.

I was absolutely devastated at the passing of one of my biggest inspirations I was obsessed with all things Irish starting in my teens and when I got a job and starting driving, The Cranberries was all I listened to. Over and over. The No Need to Argue, and Everyone else Is Doing it albums were the soundtrack to my teen years. I was inspired by Dolores’s voice, talent, and style on a deep level. She inspired my first purchase of a pair of combat boots in the late 90’s from Payless and wore them everyday until they broke. I named my pet mouse Dolores after her. But out of all of the beautiful music that they made, I have to say “Dying in the Sun” from Bury the Hatchet 1999 album, is the one that will rip your soul out of the core of your being. I have only been able to listen to it 3 times in my life because it is just too emotional to me. I read once that she recorded that song in one take. I dare you to listen to it now and not shed a tear.

Her boyfriend and bandmate in the musical side project D.A.R.K., New York-based musician Olé Koretsky, posted a photo on Instagram with O’Riordan on Jan. 1 with the caption, “NYE: take away, TV, pyjamas.”

She spoke often of her pain, sexual abuse as a child, physical pain, mental illness. I’m sorry that she had to leave us so soon, but I hope she is at peace. Her voice was truly one of a kind and will forever linger on.

Linger – The Cranberries

RIP Dolores Mary Eileen O’Riordan

9-6-1971 – 1-15-2018

The House Hunters Secret


Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve probably seen at least one episode of HGTV’s (very scripted) house hunting show. My family and I are driven to madness listening to the “home buyers” valley girl speak, baby voiced, vocal fry (think of a constipated Kardashian saying ‘like’ 300 times) using individuals list off all their highly priced desires. When the realtor asks, “what’s your budget?” whomp whomp whommmmp…. you know it’s going to be hilarious. I have come up with just a few of my favorite general scenarios that crack me up the most.

Size Requirements

We need lots of space for all our friends and family to come stay and still have room for an office, every child needs their own room, hobby room, man cave, media room, and finished basement!


Granite counters, big island, gas stove are must haves! But we don’t cook

Appliances (again, they don’t cook!)

Budget dream kitchen

Pool by the ocean or lake

One wants a large swimming pool, the other doesn’t because they are afraid their 10 year old will drown

Room with a view

No caption necessary

Man Space

Man needs a luxurious place to hide from responsibilities

Must have a large master en suite with a soaker tub with double vanities

Single person needs double vanities

Womens’s appreciation room of DEBT

Woman needs a luxurious place to bask in her material possessions


Has 2 cars but needs that 3rd spot for a future adult child to live in while they find themselves, backpacking through Europe.

Stairs are DANGEROUS!


One wants a spanish style in Boston and the other wants a craftsman style in Florida.

One wants to be close to the city, or the other wants the country

We already have a tiny budget but we need to be close by restaurants, bars, coffee shops, and shopping.

Final House Hunters Ultimate Secret…… scroll down if you want it spoiled forever…………

The house has already been purchased prior to even being considered to be on House Hunters. Plus they always pick the house without furniture! If 2 houses have furniture, they will pick the empty one. If more than one house is empty, then it’s any one’s guess though. Also, if furniture is included or negotiable, then you can’t predict which house, either. So it’s not 100 percent spoiled!

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