Grieving the loss of my dad

Grief feels like this

Since my dad passed away on Nov 24th, my life has felt a lot like this air creature. Sometimes standing upright, looking normal for a few seconds, then bent over and upside down, in agony the next. I guess that’s how grieving a parent feels. I’ve grieved grandparents, an aunt, close friend, pets, but this is so much different. It’s pangs of regret for all the things my dad didn’t get to do, and then it doesn’t seem real. Like he’s just been at work and will be home later. It’s quite strange. Everything feels frozen in time.

I Spent a Week in a Mental Hospital

On Tuesday night, October 22, 2019, I attempted suicide. I spent 1 full week in the hospital. Mental illness and suicide runs in my family so I’ve known since I was a small child that I was never meant to stay here. I’ve had a couple of brief isolated happy times in my 39 years of life, but honestly, the majority has been pretty miserable.

My dad is dying with stage 4 lung cancer and we have to take him to the restroom and care for him 100% My mom gets frustrated with being a caregiver to us both. After she stormed to her bedroom for the evening on Tuesday night, I decided I no longer wanted to be one more person she’d have to help.

I went into my room, poured a handful of pills into my hand, swallowed them all easily with some bottled water and regretted it a tiny bit, but didn’t do anything else. I put on some pants and a flannel shirt and was going to go downstairs and sit in my car and wait. Evidently within 7-10 minutes I fell down in my bedroom floor. I don’t remember anything.

I woke up out of it Wednesday, while being rolled to a bigger hospital room. I was under constant physical surveillance. In other words someone stayed in my room 24/7 and even had to watch me.go to the bathroom.

Then I was transferred by police, in handcuffs, to the mental hospital.

It was hell on earth. Except the food was really good and they fed us constantly!!!! They take all your possessions away when you arrive. No cellphone, no dental floss, art supplies, clothes with strings, everything. Any clothes a family member brings is thoroughly searched before you can get them. Nothing to do all day long but color pictures, play card games, or board games.

Every hour felt like 3. I couldn’t believe I was stuck there for the next 5 days. They check your room every 15 minutes at night and wake you up at 5 am for vitals check. Then they come back at 7am for early meds, and at 7:45 am they wake you up for breakfast. It’s not like the movies where they keep every one drugged.

I got my regular meds. Nothing more, nothing less. Words cannot express how much I wanted to come home. It felt like torture. I learned a lot though. I learned that every one there has it 10 times worse than me. Many of them were addicts, alcoholics, going to be homeless when they were released, had been sexually abused, and had nothing.

It made me realize that I have it so good, and I need to start living my life again. I know I won’t live forever, but the book that is my life, has a few more chapters to go.

But I just can't take a shower!


When people think of depression, people usually picture someone laying in bed, sleeping too much, too little, not eating, or socializing. But what people don’t know if that their personal hygiene can suffer as well.
I know, because this has been a major struggle of mine since I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder in 2006. It didn’t help that I was also working full time during the day and taking college courses at night so my days could be as long as 16 hours, 4 days out of the week. My hygiene and diet were the first to suffer.
I would go an entire week without showering. This was especially noticeable because my hair is extremely fine, and oily. After the second day without a wash, I could bake biscuits with the oil on my scalp. My solution – tying it up in a tight bun.
I would also come after college classes at 11pm at night, eat a snickers bar for dinner and then go to bed without brushing my teeth. Boy that was a huge mistake that I paid very dearly for to the tune of multiple cavities in a short time and then years after leading to 2 root canals. Ouch. BRUSH YOUR TEETH KIDS!!!!
As more years passed, I just couldn’t force myself to shower more than once a week or at most every 4 days. I was married at the time and prone to chronic urinary tract infections which in turn lead to damage to my bladder wall in the form of interstitial cystitis. IC, as it’s abbreviated to, is the irritation of the bladder wall that when it is irritated can make you have all the symptoms of a UTI, pain, burning, frequency, drops of acidic pee coming out, but when you go to the doctor and pee in a cup, you have zero infection present. No cure, just cut back on acidic drinks and caffeine.
So along with dealing with severe mental illness, dealing with horrible cavities, dentist visits and being in constant bladder plain was the icing on the hygiene challenged cake.
So people that knew my struggles would just say, “Just take a shower and brush your teeth”. They wouldn’t understand when I said, “That’s easier said than done”.
As the years passed, I graduated college, got a job in my field, got divorced, lost my job of 10 years and the poor hygiene monster reared it’s ugly, smelly head. It had never really gotten much better but then it went to only showering once a month. I was pretty decent on brushing my teeth because dentistry is expensive and painful. Since I no longer had health insurance all teeth and body expenses were on me. Good ol USA!
After losing my job, my marriage, and everything I had worked my whole life for, my bipolar kicked up so bad that I could no longer work a job. I couldn’t get out of bed and wanted to commit suicide every day I had to go to work. Showers are not high on my priority list still, unfortunately. The longest I’ve gone is a month and a half without a shower. I just took one last night and scrubbed every nook and crannie of my body, degreased my hair and VOILA! I felt fantanstic. I really dont know why I don’t do it more often. Oh wait, mental illness, I remember now.
Adult cleansing cloths have gotten my through times when I’ve needed to go out and couldn’t bring myself to shower but I will clean myself up thoroughly with those and reapply my deodorant. No matter how long I go in between showering, I will NEVER smell. That is important to me. I can be the greasy girl, but never the greasy, SMELLY girl.

I love these!!!!
So whenver I see or hear someone talking about the oh so trendy “SELF CARE” thing that has become so popular, I roll my eyes, HARD. Women talking about doing their “self care” as taking a bubble bath, making time for reading, taking a walk, eating chocolate, or doing a face mask. To ME, “self care” is eating regular meals, trying to drink enough water so that you don’t have to be hospitalized for dehydration, taking a shower once a month to clean the bacteria off my skin, tending to any cuts or skin sores that might have arisen, or just brushing my teeth and surviving day to day.
No, I’m not bitter to healthier people who just need a bubble bath, but just remember there are always others out there struggling more than you, who are just trying to stay alive.


Emergency Medical Services—911

If the situation is potentially life-threatening, get immediate emergency assistance by calling 911, available 24 hours a day.

National Suicide Prevention hotline 24 hours a day, 7 days a week 1-800-273-8255
Or visit https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Nacional de Prevención del Suicidio

1-888-628-9454

Options For Deaf + Hard of Hearing

Veterans Crisis Line

1-800-273-8255 Or Text 838255

Disaster Distress Helpline

1-800-985-5990 or Text TalkWithUs to 66746
If you are outside the United States, click here to Find Help in your area!!

I’m still alive….


I am still living.
💧
Today was very hard. My dad did not get a good prognosis from his cancer doctor. Just a few months ago he was doing so much better and now they’re suggesting possible hospice care. My mom has had a small heart attack recently and she doesn’t want any tests or treatment. 🌱
I feel like I’m going to lose both my parents. I am bipolar and have difficulty handling every day normal emotions, I really don’t feel like I can handle watching my parents get worse. So there’s that. .


Emergency Medical Services—911

If the situation is potentially life-threatening, get immediate emergency assistance by calling 911, available 24 hours a day.

National Suicide Prevention hotline 24 hours a day, 7 days a week 1-800-273-8255
Or visit https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Nacional de Prevención del Suicidio

1-888-628-9454

Options For Deaf + Hard of Hearing

Veterans Crisis Line

1-800-273-8255 Or Text 838255

 

Disaster Distress Helpline

1-800-985-5990 or Text TalkWithUs to 66746
If you are outside the United States, click here to Find Help in your area!!
Instagram
Twitter
YouTube
Follow by Email
RSS
%d bloggers like this: