Grieving the loss of my dad

Grief feels like this

Since my dad passed away on Nov 24th, my life has felt a lot like this air creature. Sometimes standing upright, looking normal for a few seconds, then bent over and upside down, in agony the next. I guess that’s how grieving a parent feels. I’ve grieved grandparents, an aunt, close friend, pets, but this is so much different. It’s pangs of regret for all the things my dad didn’t get to do, and then it doesn’t seem real. Like he’s just been at work and will be home later. It’s quite strange. Everything feels frozen in time.

I’m still alive….

I am still living.
Today was very hard. My dad did not get a good prognosis from his cancer doctor. Just a few months ago he was doing so much better and now they’re suggesting possible hospice care. My mom has had a small heart attack recently and she doesn’t want any tests or treatment. 🌱
I feel like I’m going to lose both my parents. I am bipolar and have difficulty handling every day normal emotions, I really don’t feel like I can handle watching my parents get worse. So there’s that. .

Emergency Medical Services—911

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Missing Dolores O'Riordan on the one year anniversary of her tragic passing.

The last photo she posted before she passed away. Posted to Twitter on January 3, 2018

It’s been exactly one year since Dolores O’Riordan of The Cranberries passing, 1-15-2018 and I still feel pain in my heart when I remember her. I can’t listen to her music because it just hurts too much. It depresses me.

With her iconic bleached pixie cut

I wish things could have been different. I wish for her family, friends, and fans that she was still here. That is selfish of me.

I was absolutely devastated at the passing of one of my biggest inspirations I was obsessed with all things Irish starting in my teens and when I got a job and starting driving, The Cranberries was all I listened to. Over and over. The No Need to Argue, and Everyone else Is Doing it albums were the soundtrack to my teen years. I was inspired by Dolores’s voice, talent, and style on a deep level. She inspired my first purchase of a pair of combat boots in the late 90’s from Payless and wore them everyday until they broke. I named my pet mouse Dolores after her. But out of all of the beautiful music that they made, I have to say “Dying in the Sun” from Bury the Hatchet 1999 album, is the one that will rip your soul out of the core of your being. I have only been able to listen to it 3 times in my life because it is just too emotional to me. I read once that she recorded that song in one take. I dare you to listen to it now and not shed a tear.

Her boyfriend and bandmate in the musical side project D.A.R.K., New York-based musician Olé Koretsky, posted a photo on Instagram with O’Riordan on Jan. 1 with the caption, “NYE: take away, TV, pyjamas.”

She spoke often of her pain, sexual abuse as a child, physical pain, mental illness. I’m sorry that she had to leave us so soon, but I hope she is at peace. Her voice was truly one of a kind and will forever linger on.

Linger – The Cranberries

RIP Dolores Mary Eileen O’Riordan

9-6-1971 – 1-15-2018

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